A Button Today for a Hamburger Tomorrow

I haven't shopped in a clothes store since Gore invented the Internet.

Do you remember those commercials where a man in a department store would look under a clothes rack and find a few other men hiding in the rack watching football while their wives or otherwise female escorts shopped? That didn't exist when I was growing up. In fact, the advent of chairs in the women's department didn't cross some brilliant marketers head until I was in my late 20s. I am from the generation of males who grew up with their mom dragging them to those giant department stores like Macy's in the women's section while she shopped for herself. It always started on a bright Saturday morning with "Cary, you need a shirt" and ended up, many (many) hours later, driving home with a car trunk full of clothes. I might have a new shirt, but usually not.

Yes folks, I lived the nightmare. It was a bad enough childhood ordeal that I have a sister with the same condition I have - IFreakingHateShoppingophobia. This is extremely rare - not that I have a sister, but that a female has the same issue from the traumatic events growing up.

When I returned from NYC I decided to freshen my wardrobe with the latest in fashion. Of course this was done online, like anyone else who has IFreakingHateShoppingophobia. The shirts fit like a glove, except in a shirt type of way. I might add that I look fabulous in them. It's easy to buy online... you go to your closet, pick out a shirt or pants that fit you, look at the size and order the same size. Two or three days later you too can walk down the runway.

Unfortunantly they apparently changed the size of pants since I ordered the same size I always do and they were too tight. Tight as in I had to unzip the zipper so my jewels could breath. Anyone who knows me (I'm looking at both of you) would understand instantly that I didn't return them. Instead I took a different tact and decided to go on a diet so that I could continue ordering the same pant-size I have since I was in my 20s. Okay 30s.

This morning I woke up a little down since I knew I needed a haircut; Since my hair started it's journey of thinning this means the time-in-chair gets shorter even as the cost gets larger. As an aside, why can't inflation work on my hair also?

As I get ready to shower for my trip to Haircuts-R-Us I eyed those pants that refused to fit. I looked at my belly... the pants... the belly... the pants. I recklessly dived into the ill-fitting pants and low and behold they finally fit after months of military-like dieting (without the military or hard-core dieting part)!

Now that I know they fit and I'm looking sharp with my new haircut there's only one thing left to do: I dressed up in my new pants and went to McDonalds for a celebration feast.

Does anyone have an extra button... about 3/4 in diameter for a pair of brown pants?